October 27, 2004

Seven years ago I had a sweet little girl and we were looking forward to meeting our next baby in June of 2005. On the morning of October 27 Rachel and I were getting ready to go somewhere, I don't remember where. She was still in her crib. As I walked through the house, I could take you to the exact spot, I felt an unsettling sensation. There was lots of bright red blood and no doubt what was happening. I felt stunned that a miscarriage could be a reality for me. I was thankful for the wonderful education of Topeka's Birth and Women's Center. I knew I could trust my body and I knew how to let it tell me what was happening. I also automatically knew I could trust God to take care of my baby, whether that be here or somewhere between here and eternity. As it all began to sink in, I remember distinctly thinking, "I have a baby in heaven waiting for me." It was my first time to truly long for Heaven.

Before I called the Birth Center I got a cup of juice, sat in the rocking chair, and put my feet up. (Because I could hear Norla's voice telling me to do that.) I was put on hold. I began to cry. Finally someone named Lori answered the phone. I remember thinking, "I don't want to talk to Lori. I don't know her. I want my midwife." Lori was sweet and encouraging and told me to rest and be peaceful and let my body decide what to do. In the weeks after, I was proud of myself for never having a freak-out moment through all that. I instinctively knew there was not a reason to go to my general dr. or the ER. Incidentally --- I knew Lori. She had been the one who taught my birth prep classes with Rachel. I loved Lori and now I *really* love Lori. In the moment, however, my brain just didn't process who she was on the phone.

I suppose I called Ray first, but I don't honestly remember what order I called Ray, my mom, and the Birth Center. They both came from work to be sure I was okay. I think Ray was at a loss for what to do. Eventually he went back to work and I was okay with that. I remember sitting on the floor and holding Rachel and realizing how precious a healthy baby is. Something I have never taken for granted in the following year as I have rejoiced over Jonathan's birth, Keri's birth, and more than 20 doula clients.

My dear Traci brought me Panera the next day for lunch and shared my tears. And the following evening we shared more tears and prayers with our Friday night bible study on the living room floor at the Townsend's. Even now as I type, those are the sacred memories that bring me to tears. The love and friendship of my brothers and sisters in that group is one of my life's biggest blessings.

Given the choice, I'm certain I would have passed on the option of going through a miscarriage. However, it's a memory and experience I deeply value. While there was plenty of sadness and loss, I also rejoice with the Hope of Heaven. I think of it in a whole new way. It's a real place to me because a part of me is already there and I can't wait to get there too.

This year on October 27 I decided to so something special to commemorate. Actually I've been thinking of it for a couple years, but for a variety of reasons haven't until now.

Rachel's on my right, Jonathan's on my left, and a heart for the baby is in the middle. ~So, so thankful.~

As we transition to worshiping with a new church family a thought/word picture entered my mind during worship last week: I never realized I grew up walking on egg shells, until my feet recently started to heal.

It's not meant to be a negative picture, but a picture of a new found peaceful freedom. Just my thoughts thus far. I'm sure there will be more to come.

The Prrrride of Wildcat Land, the K-State Marching Band!

Kinda gives you goose bumps, huh? :-)

Tomorrow begins the K-State football season. Thousands will be doing the Wabash and singing the fight song:

Fight, you K-State Wildcats,
For alma mater fight! FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT!
Glory in the combat
For the purple and the white.
Faithful to our colors
We shall ever be
Fighting, ever fighting
For a Wildcat victory. Go State!

Why? We're proud of our team. We love purple! We point out Willie to our kids. We wear the jerseys. We sing the song. We count the push-ups.

You know my favorite part of going to a K-State basketball game? It's not the tip off, or any part of the game. I *love* watching the team walk down the tunnel on the jumbo-tron. It's loud! It's exciting! It's the anticipation!

So what's my point?

Today as I drove to work I heard a commercial with the fight song in the background. Almost simultaneously, as I was singing in my head..."glory in the combat for the purple and the white"... I was driving by flag after flag at half-staff. ~~~"Kansas Governor Sam Brownback has ordered flags in the State of Kansas to be flown at half-staff on Friday, Sept. 2, in honor of Sergeant Alexander Bennett who died on Aug. 6, while serving in the U.S. Army in Afghanistan"~~~ And a question hit me: Do those who refuse to sing the National Anthem also refuse to sing their school's fight song? Because you know what? The National Anthem is our country's fight song. If you don't want to sing the words or put your hand over your heart I think that's okay. We're fortunate to live in a place where we're both free to do as we please, however, if you don't understand why some of us do chose to do so, think of the atmosphere at a college game when the fight song is being played. The feeling is very similar. I suppose it's different for everyone and some might disagree. But I'm confident in saying there are many who love red, white, and blue in a similar way we love purple.

Go State!

She threw away the vase! It's been a picture stuck in my head for weeks now. Recently a friend recommended a book on the importance of wives and their influence on their husbands. It arrived in the mail yesterday and I'm anxious to get started. As we talked I told her about an event I witnessed from a distance. It was a friend's birthday at the beginning of August. Her husband sent her a breath-taking bouquet of pink and red roses for her birthday. I mean the kind that have a huge glass vase and are exquisite from any angle. They sat on her desk for several days, and, as all cut flowers do, they wilted and eventually were thoroughly brown. Not long after, another individual and her husband met her for lunch. As they left the office she carried with her the vase of brown roses. Before they all got in the vehicle together she walked over to the dumpster and threw away the flowers, and the vase. She probably didn't even notice, but her husband stood on the sidewalk and watched the whole thing.

Now. I know I was raised in a family who does not waste anything, if it's reasonable to expect so. I mean, for crying out loud! My mom dipped out the water from the rinse cycle in the washing machine, so she could use it to dump back in and start her next load of laundry. She would never dream of throwing away a glass vase. It would go in her stash under the sink and then resurface when she had flowers from her own yard. They would sit on our table, or be given to a friend.

Back to the dumpster and the husband. Putting the wasteful aspect aside, the respect issue is a much larger topic to tackle. I believe the bible specifically commands husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands for a very specific reason. Typically husbands would choose to be respected, over a feeling of love. We as wives have no idea the power we hold. A single word, a single action, a single sigh, a single expression....far beyond what we understand, we hold our husband's self-worth in our hands. It is something we should treasure and thoughtfully consider. A husband who feels respected and honored is and entirely different man than the one who feels belittled or over-ridden.

All of us, in our own ways, have thrown away the vase. My hope is that as we continue along that we become more and more perceptive to how our decisions, actions, and words as wives affect our husbands. God has given us a treasure and a gift. My prayer is that we use that gift to honor Him, honor our marriages, and honor our husbands.

And where to begin? It was a 48 hour labor. It was a frightful birth. However...God was in control and His perfect planning and timing was so evident to all of us. The morning after the birth we spent a bit of time thanking God for those specific blessings in the previous two days.

* safety as we both drove through severe storms to arrive at the hospital
* excellent nurses each night and day
* the right doctor available
* a place for my kids to go
* Drew's availability to take care of Keri
* the patience given during difficult decisions
* special friends praying from afar
* my availability to be there
* a patient and encouraging hospital staff
* rest when needed, even for just a few minutes
* a quality breakfast at the hotel, might sound strange, but it was definitely a blessing
* a hospital discount at the hotel
* medical technology, giving us the freedom to make the most informed choices possible
* God's guidance for those choices that involved the inevitable unknowns of birth
* the best doctor quote ever: "It was a treat to have a mom and dad who was patient with the birth process and not rushing into quick decisions."
* Christian nurses with a great mix of gentleness and sense of humor.
* Madelynn's great coping with being away from mom and dad for several nights for the first time.
* More blessings than we even humanly realize.....

"...the heart of Asa was wholly true to the LORD all his days."
~ 1 Kings 15:14

What a blessing to be an intimate part of your birth sweet boy!

(traveling in style - Ray came to visit and brought the trailer so I didn't have to drive home :-)

So....is it poor manners to blog during a birth? This is certainly a first - and, ironically, a last. I think every doula has "what if" birth fears. For whatever reason, God is allowing all my fears to come alive this time around. I drove three and a half hours to this birth - with a headache - in a severe thunder storm. Contractions went on all night, but little change in the cervix. Little sleep. Small area to walk. Now, 19 hours after I left home, we're still having contractions consistently and mom and dad are walking together in Walmart. But there is light! All babies come eventually! And, these are great friends of ours! If they weren't this might put me over the edge. Because they are, I can easily maintain my optimism and energy. A reminder that all births are lovely miracles from God. And so we walk....and wait...come on baby Asa, let's see your pretty face!

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone O LORD, make me dwell in safety. ~ Psalms 4:8

Dreams. They really are strange if you think about it. My brain makes up stories when I'm asleep. Some of them are really pointless. Some of them are really confusing. Some of them are extremely meaningful. Stick with me here.

This past week I've been prompted, by several dreams, to seriously consider what role, if any, do God and Satan play in our dreams. I don't really know. Without a doubt God used dreams in the bible. Many, many people were given legitimate information through their dreams. At the same time, I think it's ridiculous to think all our dreams mean something. But I also think we lead very busy lives and possibly our sleep is the only time we slow down enough to "listen" to God.

Even scarier, to me, what about Satan's role? Are dreams a tool of his too? Again, I don't know. If I think about that question for too long I could really freak out! And, really, since it's a question with no answer, it's probably best not to waste too much time on it. So instead of talking in circles - that really annoys me - let's get to the point.

I definitely feel God gave me a word picture via a dream concerning a major decision Ray and I will be making in the near future. It wasn't a booming voice, or a promise, or a glimpse of the future, but I feel it was something to take seriously. That was several weeks ago and I've had plenty of time to think about it. I've only shared its details with Ray.

I also think there are times when I am challenged through dreams. Often my worries and fears are exposed, my temptations are brought to light, or my insecurities are made obvious. Now, I don't know that I believe it is something specifically controlled by Satan: "Tonight I think she shall dream about....this!" I don't think so. But I do think those are prime times to give those fears, temptations, and insecurities to God and ask Him for strength to fight them or get through them. It's also a good time to analyze myself (sounds deep, huh?) and any current circumstances in life. Sometimes when I dream something worrisome it's my reminder that God is in control and I'm perfect capable (with Him alongside) to accomplish the coming task.

Perhaps tougher, the temptations. They wouldn't be temptations if they weren't desirable. These are the times when I get frustrated. I didn't think that on purpose! I wasn't even given the chance to consciously say/think "no" or "go away". Perhaps at these times it's my job to practice not re-living the dream and its circumstances or people involved over and over in my mind. Uggh! So frustrating.

Maybe it's grasping at straws for some of you, but I don't see why we shouldn't relate every bit of our lives to God, even something that is as vague and "sub-conscience" as our dreams. So if you're plagued by worrisome dreams or dreams that make you feel insecure or dreams that indulge a temptation, ask God for relief. We are promised that He "goes with us wherever we go." Why should that not include our sleep.

We all know how lullabys work for young children. They calm and soothe and invite peaceful sleep. Here's something to enjoy that functions in much the same role for me. The picture doesn't change, so close your eyes and enjoy the words: Lullaby for big people.

Last time she was disappointed. Last time she was under pressure by her doctor. Last time her nurse was impatient. Last time did not go as planned.

Today she was amazing. Today she let her body direct the production. Today her nurse was encouraging and comassionate. Today she was proud of herself.

I'm so proud of moms who don't automatically go with the flow when it comes to their births. This mom was scheduled for an induction 5 days ago. She cancelled. This morning her water broke on its own. She spent early labor in the comfort of her own home. She walked the halls even when she would have rather been in bed. She had a wonderful attitude through the entire labor. I was a proud doula! After walking and sitting on the ball, the next option was the tub. After less than 15 minutes in the comfort of warm water, it was time. 20 minutes from 7 cm to birth. My favorite quote: "I did it just how I wanted to do it. I wanted to feel it the way we were meant to have babies."

This afternoon I left with a quiet, content nursing little girl, a proud father, and a beautifully happy mama. What a blessing to be a part of this day.

I'm the Innkeeper. I figured it out. It's always bothered me that I can't answer the over-used ice breaker question: Which Bible Character are you? I don't know if it's used in other denominations, but oh my have I heard that question way too many times. And what are the "right" answers? David, if you're a guy and Martha, if you're a girl. Why? Because David was a man after God's own heart, yet he still made some pretty huge mistakes in life. Martha was too busy running her household to listen to Jesus. I don't know how I've answered the question in the past, I honestly don't remember, but I know it now.

I'm the Innkeeper.

I have some Martha tendencies. I can easily busy myself with tasks that are very necessary, but not real important. I'm often content to be in my house and away from lots of people. However, if there is a need presented to me or in my view, I'm more than happy to help, encourage, and sincerely care. As I have thought about this concept in the last couple weeks, it's been a real comfort. A reassurance that I am who I am and I don't have to try and be like anyone else or make comparisons to others which are typically unfair to both parties - the one doing the comparing and the one being analyzed.

I don't have a jump out there personality. I can do it when I feel prompted, but I don't enjoy it till it's over. However, there are people in my life - some of them very close to me - who do have that natural ability. Often I have followed their lead. Some of my most meaningful relationships - the ones where I feel fortunate enough to make a difference in the life of another - have come by way of these other outgoing friends making the first move. For a long time I thought that wasn't fair. I felt like they were doing the hard work and I was taking advantage of that. While I think that can happen, I also think there is a picture of the Body in that scenario. You see, those friends who love being among many people need to go back out on the road and find more travellers. It's what they're gifted at. It's not at all that they don't care about the individual, or aren't willing to slow down and make that personal difference when the time is right, but they are often gifted by God for other purposes.

Now, this realization doesn't excuse me from not going out on the road and looking for the tired traveling couple or the injured lying along the road. I still have that responsibility, and so do you. Jesus clearly called us all to go into the world and share His story and Hope. But, what a comfort to know it takes all types of people for the body of Christ to function at its best.

So anytime you need bandaged up, a clean comfortable room, breakfast in bed, a stable to have a baby....come on by. :-)

Who was the Innkeeper? Read all about it: Luke 2:1-7; Luke 10:25-37; Matthew 28:16-20

Today I am praying for the beautiful Joanne. Her picture is to the right. She is a living miracle and I encourage you to read her amazing story and pray with me. God is good.

Click here to read her story and see why I've posted my charm bracelet picture!

Love, Promises, & Times Gone By

I've been inundated by love this week. Not the mushy gushy kind. More informational and contemplative. What does love mean? What is it supposed to visually look like in my life? Who am I supposed to love, really?

1 Corinthians 13 is probably the most widely read passage concerning love. Here's what I've been studying, via the bible study, "Living Beyond Yourself".
Love is patient - a word meaning "a person who is able to avenge himself, but restrains from doing so".
Love is kind - it is useful
Love does not envy - envy always ends in some sort of action; jealous
Love does not boast - it does not brag for personal gain. The only One we are to boast about is God.
Love is not proud - pride causes destruction, captivity, and deception
Love is not rude - "A Spirit filled Christian immediately senses that the Holy Spirit is offended in the presence of obscenity."
Love is not self-seeking - it seeks the highest and best for another
Love is not easily angered - we can't be rich in love and quick to anger (Ps 145:8)
Love keeps no record of wrongs - it is fairly forgetful
Love does not delight in evil - Psalm 119:29-32
Love protects - it "covers in silence", doesn't expose the faults of others,
Love trusts - it is not skeptical
Love hopes - it expects with desire
Love perseveres - it "remains under", hangs in there, How easily are you discouraged within a relationship?
Love doesn't fail - "never without effect and never in vain"

It's easy to apply these convictions to my immediate family. I love my children beyond words. The older my children get and the more they turn into their own people the more I love them. The more I look forward to what they will grow into in the future. Inside Ray's wedding ring are the words, "protect", "trust", "hope", "persevere". I easily made those promises to him because of how much I love him, all those ways listed above.

My questions come with others. What are my responsibilities to my friends, to casual acquaintances, to extended family, to complete strangers? I specifically looked for verses about friends. I was amazed what I found. Frequently "friends" and "love" are mentioned together. A friend loves at all times. (Prv 18:24) Jesus was a friend [loved] the tax collectors. (Mat 11:19) A friend who loves will lay down her life for a friend. (Jn 15:13) From this I am reminded that we should love everyone. The easy and the difficult. And those who are usually easy when they're difficult. I can't love circumstantially. I can't choose who to love. God will determine that by who He puts in my path. I have to believe, and remember in the moment, that I am commanded to love in a supernatural way. And, because I have the Spirit, I can do that, not perfectly, but it should be my goal.

One definition of love is "philos", a friend's love. What does the bible say about this form of love among friends? It says we should love our friends above ourselves (Luke 14). It says we should live life in a way that we can both rejoice as well as cry together (Luke 15). Sadly, it says we should be ready because some friends will betray us (Luke 21). And it clearly gives an example of how friends can be a detriment to each other (Luke 23). In this example we see how friends are often formed through common interests. Here sits the idea: You are who you hang around with.

We all long for friends who genuinely love us and are so intimately involved in our lives that they know when we are rejoicing and when we are sad. None of us want to have to announce, "Hey, I'm sad today." We desire a "tas philas" (female friends) who instinctually understands us. Unfortunately it doesn't take long to realize all humans let us down from time to time, especially those we consider our friends. Perhaps those are the hardest of all. At those times for me it's easy to think, 'I'm finished with new friends'. I don't want to put myself out there for any more disappointment, hurt, frustration, replacement, loss, sadness.... The Bible, however, I believe, says quite the opposite. The whispers in our ears that says we don't need people is not the Spirit. As a matter of fact we are to demonstrate love to one another as brothers and sisters (I Peter 3). I don't believe God sees blood siblings as we do. In His eyes we're all blood siblings ~ through Jesus' blood. God's words implore us to love one another. It even gives us permission at times to be partial to our Spiritual family (Galatians 6). Bottom line for me as I think through all this, we often say we don't get to choose our family but we can choose our friends. I propose, not so! We don't get to choose whom to love because of Christ. Thank goodness He doesn't have the attitude of picking and choosing toward us which we so easily fall into. I am immensely thankful for the friends God has placed in my life a specific times. I always view them as gifts, practically right down to picturing a bow on top of their heads! :-)

The other topic on my mind has been Times Gone By. When I hear "Tears in Heaven" I'm instantly transported to the Wamego Middle School wrestling deck. The end of an era. When I sit in the Upstairs Auditorium I'm reminded of my Spiritual upbringing as a child. The end of an era. When I drive by Hopkins Creek Rd I remember the first year of marriage. The end of an era. When I visit the Birth Center for my "annual" I remember waddling through the door deep into labor and wandering out with a tiny new person. The end of an era. When I drive by homes of friends who have moved away I can't help but reminisce. The end of an era. It could go on, but I won't for now. The purpose of this is not to be depressing, just sentimental. Seems a lot of changes are coming our way this year too. Ray's new job continues to be a roller coaster of emotions and figuring out new people and situations. I'm nearly finished taking care of Keri. I have two remaining doula clients and then I'll be finished for the foreseeable future. In the fall Jonathan will begin Kindergarten and both kids will be in school all day. In July I'll begin working part time, in August it'll be full time. Our congregation is searching for a new Campus Minister. Many people have transitioned out of our church for various reasons. Relationships have changed forever and I anticipate more of the same changes. As I consider all this I'm thankful for the two constants in my life: God first and my husband second. We're a great team, the three of us. As other circumstances and relationships change, I know we're in this together. Though I feel like I'm in mourning for some of the things that will never be the same, I look forward to the future. "Pressing on toward the goal", you might say.

I'm thankful for the way God specifically spells out what love looks like, what friends look like, and His high expectations of us. I'm also thankful He specifically promises He will always be with us and that He has a plan for us.

I'm sure you've seen some version of the "cardboard testimonies" done in churches all over the country. I'll post a link, if you don't know what I mean. Cardboard Testimonies Ever since I saw my first of those videos I've contemplated what my cardboard testimony would be. Truly, I've been stumped. Not in an "I'm just that perfect" kind of way, but in a "what kind of dramatic change has happened to me" kind of way. It actually makes me sad that I can't think of anything right away. Maybe I'm not being contemplative enough. Maybe I'm not being honest with myself. Maybe I'm not giving God enough credit. Would I actually wish for something "major" so that I have a story - sometimes, yes. But my husband often reminds me of the blessing of a good life and the blessings that often flow from good decisions. And then I'm tempted to steel myself for the crash in the future. But that's not holding my faith to be true. Why should I expect a good God to have a painful plan for me? I don't mean I expect things to forever be easy. I want to truly trust God is already in the future and waiting to support me no matter what happens.

So what would my sign say? I'm convinced I would need two signs, one for myself and one for my view of others. For now I concentrate only one. I have a feeling every one's signs would change over time. As our lives continue and we experience new challenges and analyze old memories and we see things in a different light. However, for me, right now, I've had a week of deep contemplation. I've felt sobered by the thoughts I've been analyzing. God has spoken over and over this week to me of my worth. The first side of my sign would say, "2 decades of believing Satan's lies of worthlessness". I'm not sure what the second side would say yet, but today I believe I would write, "Filled with God's Value". It's vague, I know. That's where I'm at now. I guess I know the first side well because I've identified it. I'm still working on the second side. I feel it, but I'm still working on belief. For now, I know I'm immensely thankful to God for creating me to be a person of worth. I'm thankful for the ways he's communicated that to me in the past few days. And, I'm thankful for the people He continues to place in my path. Thankful for their example, and their words, and their persistence, and their willingness to listen to God's prodding to be my friend, and their willingness to walk along side me (sometimes walk behind me and push!) God is good. I'll continue to keep listening for my "second side".

Over and over I've thought of the biblical image of the Body of Christ since I hurt my finger. Mostly I'm reminded that one small part of the body can really majorly effect the whole body. Kinda the "when one hurts, we all hurt" mentality. Today I was struck by the oposite view...one part can be the biggest strength of the whole body. Maybe it's because it also is a hand, but this blog really struck me. The Simple Wife .

We must all remember we are created in God's image. His image. It's not something to be forgotten or taken lightly. God doesn't create accidents. He doesn't create strife and pain. We are "wonderfully made" to be a functioning, adequate, and meaningful part of a Body.



I Corinthians 12

One Body with Many Members

For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ. For in one Spirit we were all baptized into one body— Jews or Greeks, slaves or free—and all were made to drink of one Spirit.

For the body does not consist of one member but of many. If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body.

The eye cannot say to the hand, "I have no need of you," nor again the head to the feet, "I have no need of you." On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.

Now you are the body of Christ and individually members of it. And God has appointed in the church first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healing, helping, administrating, and various kinds of tongues. Are all apostles? Are all prophets? Are all teachers? Do all work miracles? Do all possess gifts of healing? Do all speak with tongues? Do all interpret? But earnestly desire the higher gifts.

Oh where to begin. I look back at my last post and stand in amazement at how much life can change in such a short period of time. Life was stable, same, predictable, safe....I had 10 functioning fingers, I was pretty sure of the future, I was dedicated and excited about the potentials and an upcoming workshop. And then, two major events...a little mishap with a log splitter and a "phone call" (actually a stop by the jobsite visit) and perspectives change.

I've thought many, many times since the log splitter about how God probably made that happen on purpose right at that moment. I kinda wish He'd choosen another option for these same lessons, but I suppose He knows what He's doing. I learned to rely on others again. I allowed (out of necessity) my mom to take off work to help with the kids and Keri, I had to be taken to appointments while under the influence of nasty substances, I was given meals repeatedly, I had to turn down the much anticipated workshop... Ray had a stark reminder of household duties, kids, and work and while that was difficult and frustrating, even he admits it was good for him to do for a period of time. Also for the positive, our moms were able to come help at our house in a way I know they both wanted to when the kids were born, but I was stubborn and prideful and could do it myself then. This was their chance to feel useful. In the same way, I was overwhelmed by those from church who were willing to make us meals. It seemed silly to be so worn out by just one injured finger, but they were truly a gigantic help. On the other hand, I had really looked
forward to that workshop for months. It was sad to have to admit I couldn't go because I so wanted to learn the information and add it to my doula business.

Just before I hurt my hand was the jobsite visit. Ray was approached by Schultz Construction with a job offer/part ownership offer. It was a huge compliment. It was a huge decision. Would we take it? Is it right for our family? What does it hold for the future? and on and on. After weeks of talking, thinking, praying, asking for advice and opinions....we decided to accept. Then came part two. Would I like to come work in the office? Essentially we would be replacing another husband/wife team. And that for sure is how we're thinking of it - team. With both kids entering school in the fall, and my commitments to care for Keri finished in May, and my final doula client due in June...the timing seemed obvious (just as it had for Ray's situation and decision). In December I went in and asked all my questions, looked at the software, and was strongly lobbied to come on board. After another month of talking, thinking, praying, asking for advice...I've accepeted the position there and will begin in July. This means no more doula work. It means a huge new challenge and definite changes to our lives. I wouldn't be honest if I said there are no second thoughts (for Ray's decision or mine). "What might have been" will always remain a mystery. But, such is life. Changes come and go and we readjust to the new norm. We must move forward to the "new" with the confidence we made the decisions as thoughtfully as possible. It's sure to be an adventure.

On the doula front, I've had two babies since the last post. Both were great births, though one was not as planned. It is always a privilege to be a witness to new life. Something I never, ever get used to or take for granted. Their stories will need to be the topic for my next post.