Seven years ago I had a sweet little girl and we were looking forward to meeting our next baby in June of 2005. On the morning of October 27 Rachel and I were getting ready to go somewhere, I don't remember where. She was still in her crib. As I walked through the house, I could take you to the exact spot, I felt an unsettling sensation. There was lots of bright red blood and no doubt what was happening. I felt stunned that a miscarriage could be a reality for me. I was thankful for the wonderful education of Topeka's Birth and Women's Center. I knew I could trust my body and I knew how to let it tell me what was happening. I also automatically knew I could trust God to take care of my baby, whether that be here or somewhere between here and eternity. As it all began to sink in, I remember distinctly thinking, "I have a baby in heaven waiting for me." It was my first time to truly long for Heaven.
Before I called the Birth Center I got a cup of juice, sat in the rocking chair, and put my feet up. (Because I could hear Norla's voice telling me to do that.) I was put on hold. I began to cry. Finally someone named Lori answered the phone. I remember thinking, "I don't want to talk to Lori. I don't know her. I want my midwife." Lori was sweet and encouraging and told me to rest and be peaceful and let my body decide what to do. In the weeks after, I was proud of myself for never having a freak-out moment through all that. I instinctively knew there was not a reason to go to my general dr. or the ER. Incidentally --- I knew Lori. She had been the one who taught my birth prep classes with Rachel. I loved Lori and now I *really* love Lori. In the moment, however, my brain just didn't process who she was on the phone.
I suppose I called Ray first, but I don't honestly remember what order I called Ray, my mom, and the Birth Center. They both came from work to be sure I was okay. I think Ray was at a loss for what to do. Eventually he went back to work and I was okay with that. I remember sitting on the floor and holding Rachel and realizing how precious a healthy baby is. Something I have never taken for granted in the following year as I have rejoiced over Jonathan's birth, Keri's birth, and more than 20 doula clients.
My dear Traci brought me Panera the next day for lunch and shared my tears. And the following evening we shared more tears and prayers with our Friday night bible study on the living room floor at the Townsend's. Even now as I type, those are the sacred memories that bring me to tears. The love and friendship of my brothers and sisters in that group is one of my life's biggest blessings.
Given the choice, I'm certain I would have passed on the option of going through a miscarriage. However, it's a memory and experience I deeply value. While there was plenty of sadness and loss, I also rejoice with the Hope of Heaven. I think of it in a whole new way. It's a real place to me because a part of me is already there and I can't wait to get there too.
This year on October 27 I decided to so something special to commemorate. Actually I've been thinking of it for a couple years, but for a variety of reasons haven't until now.
Rachel's on my right, Jonathan's on my left, and a heart for the baby is in the middle. ~So, so thankful.~
