And where to begin? It was a 48 hour labor. It was a frightful birth. However...God was in control and His perfect planning and timing was so evident to all of us. The morning after the birth we spent a bit of time thanking God for those specific blessings in the previous two days.

* safety as we both drove through severe storms to arrive at the hospital
* excellent nurses each night and day
* the right doctor available
* a place for my kids to go
* Drew's availability to take care of Keri
* the patience given during difficult decisions
* special friends praying from afar
* my availability to be there
* a patient and encouraging hospital staff
* rest when needed, even for just a few minutes
* a quality breakfast at the hotel, might sound strange, but it was definitely a blessing
* a hospital discount at the hotel
* medical technology, giving us the freedom to make the most informed choices possible
* God's guidance for those choices that involved the inevitable unknowns of birth
* the best doctor quote ever: "It was a treat to have a mom and dad who was patient with the birth process and not rushing into quick decisions."
* Christian nurses with a great mix of gentleness and sense of humor.
* Madelynn's great coping with being away from mom and dad for several nights for the first time.
* More blessings than we even humanly realize.....

"...the heart of Asa was wholly true to the LORD all his days."
~ 1 Kings 15:14

What a blessing to be an intimate part of your birth sweet boy!

(traveling in style - Ray came to visit and brought the trailer so I didn't have to drive home :-)

So....is it poor manners to blog during a birth? This is certainly a first - and, ironically, a last. I think every doula has "what if" birth fears. For whatever reason, God is allowing all my fears to come alive this time around. I drove three and a half hours to this birth - with a headache - in a severe thunder storm. Contractions went on all night, but little change in the cervix. Little sleep. Small area to walk. Now, 19 hours after I left home, we're still having contractions consistently and mom and dad are walking together in Walmart. But there is light! All babies come eventually! And, these are great friends of ours! If they weren't this might put me over the edge. Because they are, I can easily maintain my optimism and energy. A reminder that all births are lovely miracles from God. And so we walk....and wait...come on baby Asa, let's see your pretty face!

In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone O LORD, make me dwell in safety. ~ Psalms 4:8

Dreams. They really are strange if you think about it. My brain makes up stories when I'm asleep. Some of them are really pointless. Some of them are really confusing. Some of them are extremely meaningful. Stick with me here.

This past week I've been prompted, by several dreams, to seriously consider what role, if any, do God and Satan play in our dreams. I don't really know. Without a doubt God used dreams in the bible. Many, many people were given legitimate information through their dreams. At the same time, I think it's ridiculous to think all our dreams mean something. But I also think we lead very busy lives and possibly our sleep is the only time we slow down enough to "listen" to God.

Even scarier, to me, what about Satan's role? Are dreams a tool of his too? Again, I don't know. If I think about that question for too long I could really freak out! And, really, since it's a question with no answer, it's probably best not to waste too much time on it. So instead of talking in circles - that really annoys me - let's get to the point.

I definitely feel God gave me a word picture via a dream concerning a major decision Ray and I will be making in the near future. It wasn't a booming voice, or a promise, or a glimpse of the future, but I feel it was something to take seriously. That was several weeks ago and I've had plenty of time to think about it. I've only shared its details with Ray.

I also think there are times when I am challenged through dreams. Often my worries and fears are exposed, my temptations are brought to light, or my insecurities are made obvious. Now, I don't know that I believe it is something specifically controlled by Satan: "Tonight I think she shall dream about....this!" I don't think so. But I do think those are prime times to give those fears, temptations, and insecurities to God and ask Him for strength to fight them or get through them. It's also a good time to analyze myself (sounds deep, huh?) and any current circumstances in life. Sometimes when I dream something worrisome it's my reminder that God is in control and I'm perfect capable (with Him alongside) to accomplish the coming task.

Perhaps tougher, the temptations. They wouldn't be temptations if they weren't desirable. These are the times when I get frustrated. I didn't think that on purpose! I wasn't even given the chance to consciously say/think "no" or "go away". Perhaps at these times it's my job to practice not re-living the dream and its circumstances or people involved over and over in my mind. Uggh! So frustrating.

Maybe it's grasping at straws for some of you, but I don't see why we shouldn't relate every bit of our lives to God, even something that is as vague and "sub-conscience" as our dreams. So if you're plagued by worrisome dreams or dreams that make you feel insecure or dreams that indulge a temptation, ask God for relief. We are promised that He "goes with us wherever we go." Why should that not include our sleep.

We all know how lullabys work for young children. They calm and soothe and invite peaceful sleep. Here's something to enjoy that functions in much the same role for me. The picture doesn't change, so close your eyes and enjoy the words: Lullaby for big people.

Last time she was disappointed. Last time she was under pressure by her doctor. Last time her nurse was impatient. Last time did not go as planned.

Today she was amazing. Today she let her body direct the production. Today her nurse was encouraging and comassionate. Today she was proud of herself.

I'm so proud of moms who don't automatically go with the flow when it comes to their births. This mom was scheduled for an induction 5 days ago. She cancelled. This morning her water broke on its own. She spent early labor in the comfort of her own home. She walked the halls even when she would have rather been in bed. She had a wonderful attitude through the entire labor. I was a proud doula! After walking and sitting on the ball, the next option was the tub. After less than 15 minutes in the comfort of warm water, it was time. 20 minutes from 7 cm to birth. My favorite quote: "I did it just how I wanted to do it. I wanted to feel it the way we were meant to have babies."

This afternoon I left with a quiet, content nursing little girl, a proud father, and a beautifully happy mama. What a blessing to be a part of this day.

I'm the Innkeeper. I figured it out. It's always bothered me that I can't answer the over-used ice breaker question: Which Bible Character are you? I don't know if it's used in other denominations, but oh my have I heard that question way too many times. And what are the "right" answers? David, if you're a guy and Martha, if you're a girl. Why? Because David was a man after God's own heart, yet he still made some pretty huge mistakes in life. Martha was too busy running her household to listen to Jesus. I don't know how I've answered the question in the past, I honestly don't remember, but I know it now.

I'm the Innkeeper.

I have some Martha tendencies. I can easily busy myself with tasks that are very necessary, but not real important. I'm often content to be in my house and away from lots of people. However, if there is a need presented to me or in my view, I'm more than happy to help, encourage, and sincerely care. As I have thought about this concept in the last couple weeks, it's been a real comfort. A reassurance that I am who I am and I don't have to try and be like anyone else or make comparisons to others which are typically unfair to both parties - the one doing the comparing and the one being analyzed.

I don't have a jump out there personality. I can do it when I feel prompted, but I don't enjoy it till it's over. However, there are people in my life - some of them very close to me - who do have that natural ability. Often I have followed their lead. Some of my most meaningful relationships - the ones where I feel fortunate enough to make a difference in the life of another - have come by way of these other outgoing friends making the first move. For a long time I thought that wasn't fair. I felt like they were doing the hard work and I was taking advantage of that. While I think that can happen, I also think there is a picture of the Body in that scenario. You see, those friends who love being among many people need to go back out on the road and find more travellers. It's what they're gifted at. It's not at all that they don't care about the individual, or aren't willing to slow down and make that personal difference when the time is right, but they are often gifted by God for other purposes.

Now, this realization doesn't excuse me from not going out on the road and looking for the tired traveling couple or the injured lying along the road. I still have that responsibility, and so do you. Jesus clearly called us all to go into the world and share His story and Hope. But, what a comfort to know it takes all types of people for the body of Christ to function at its best.

So anytime you need bandaged up, a clean comfortable room, breakfast in bed, a stable to have a baby....come on by. :-)

Who was the Innkeeper? Read all about it: Luke 2:1-7; Luke 10:25-37; Matthew 28:16-20

Today I am praying for the beautiful Joanne. Her picture is to the right. She is a living miracle and I encourage you to read her amazing story and pray with me. God is good.

Click here to read her story and see why I've posted my charm bracelet picture!

Love, Promises, & Times Gone By

I've been inundated by love this week. Not the mushy gushy kind. More informational and contemplative. What does love mean? What is it supposed to visually look like in my life? Who am I supposed to love, really?

1 Corinthians 13 is probably the most widely read passage concerning love. Here's what I've been studying, via the bible study, "Living Beyond Yourself".
Love is patient - a word meaning "a person who is able to avenge himself, but restrains from doing so".
Love is kind - it is useful
Love does not envy - envy always ends in some sort of action; jealous
Love does not boast - it does not brag for personal gain. The only One we are to boast about is God.
Love is not proud - pride causes destruction, captivity, and deception
Love is not rude - "A Spirit filled Christian immediately senses that the Holy Spirit is offended in the presence of obscenity."
Love is not self-seeking - it seeks the highest and best for another
Love is not easily angered - we can't be rich in love and quick to anger (Ps 145:8)
Love keeps no record of wrongs - it is fairly forgetful
Love does not delight in evil - Psalm 119:29-32
Love protects - it "covers in silence", doesn't expose the faults of others,
Love trusts - it is not skeptical
Love hopes - it expects with desire
Love perseveres - it "remains under", hangs in there, How easily are you discouraged within a relationship?
Love doesn't fail - "never without effect and never in vain"

It's easy to apply these convictions to my immediate family. I love my children beyond words. The older my children get and the more they turn into their own people the more I love them. The more I look forward to what they will grow into in the future. Inside Ray's wedding ring are the words, "protect", "trust", "hope", "persevere". I easily made those promises to him because of how much I love him, all those ways listed above.

My questions come with others. What are my responsibilities to my friends, to casual acquaintances, to extended family, to complete strangers? I specifically looked for verses about friends. I was amazed what I found. Frequently "friends" and "love" are mentioned together. A friend loves at all times. (Prv 18:24) Jesus was a friend [loved] the tax collectors. (Mat 11:19) A friend who loves will lay down her life for a friend. (Jn 15:13) From this I am reminded that we should love everyone. The easy and the difficult. And those who are usually easy when they're difficult. I can't love circumstantially. I can't choose who to love. God will determine that by who He puts in my path. I have to believe, and remember in the moment, that I am commanded to love in a supernatural way. And, because I have the Spirit, I can do that, not perfectly, but it should be my goal.

One definition of love is "philos", a friend's love. What does the bible say about this form of love among friends? It says we should love our friends above ourselves (Luke 14). It says we should live life in a way that we can both rejoice as well as cry together (Luke 15). Sadly, it says we should be ready because some friends will betray us (Luke 21). And it clearly gives an example of how friends can be a detriment to each other (Luke 23). In this example we see how friends are often formed through common interests. Here sits the idea: You are who you hang around with.

We all long for friends who genuinely love us and are so intimately involved in our lives that they know when we are rejoicing and when we are sad. None of us want to have to announce, "Hey, I'm sad today." We desire a "tas philas" (female friends) who instinctually understands us. Unfortunately it doesn't take long to realize all humans let us down from time to time, especially those we consider our friends. Perhaps those are the hardest of all. At those times for me it's easy to think, 'I'm finished with new friends'. I don't want to put myself out there for any more disappointment, hurt, frustration, replacement, loss, sadness.... The Bible, however, I believe, says quite the opposite. The whispers in our ears that says we don't need people is not the Spirit. As a matter of fact we are to demonstrate love to one another as brothers and sisters (I Peter 3). I don't believe God sees blood siblings as we do. In His eyes we're all blood siblings ~ through Jesus' blood. God's words implore us to love one another. It even gives us permission at times to be partial to our Spiritual family (Galatians 6). Bottom line for me as I think through all this, we often say we don't get to choose our family but we can choose our friends. I propose, not so! We don't get to choose whom to love because of Christ. Thank goodness He doesn't have the attitude of picking and choosing toward us which we so easily fall into. I am immensely thankful for the friends God has placed in my life a specific times. I always view them as gifts, practically right down to picturing a bow on top of their heads! :-)

The other topic on my mind has been Times Gone By. When I hear "Tears in Heaven" I'm instantly transported to the Wamego Middle School wrestling deck. The end of an era. When I sit in the Upstairs Auditorium I'm reminded of my Spiritual upbringing as a child. The end of an era. When I drive by Hopkins Creek Rd I remember the first year of marriage. The end of an era. When I visit the Birth Center for my "annual" I remember waddling through the door deep into labor and wandering out with a tiny new person. The end of an era. When I drive by homes of friends who have moved away I can't help but reminisce. The end of an era. It could go on, but I won't for now. The purpose of this is not to be depressing, just sentimental. Seems a lot of changes are coming our way this year too. Ray's new job continues to be a roller coaster of emotions and figuring out new people and situations. I'm nearly finished taking care of Keri. I have two remaining doula clients and then I'll be finished for the foreseeable future. In the fall Jonathan will begin Kindergarten and both kids will be in school all day. In July I'll begin working part time, in August it'll be full time. Our congregation is searching for a new Campus Minister. Many people have transitioned out of our church for various reasons. Relationships have changed forever and I anticipate more of the same changes. As I consider all this I'm thankful for the two constants in my life: God first and my husband second. We're a great team, the three of us. As other circumstances and relationships change, I know we're in this together. Though I feel like I'm in mourning for some of the things that will never be the same, I look forward to the future. "Pressing on toward the goal", you might say.

I'm thankful for the way God specifically spells out what love looks like, what friends look like, and His high expectations of us. I'm also thankful He specifically promises He will always be with us and that He has a plan for us.