Oh where to begin. I look back at my last post and stand in amazement at how much life can change in such a short period of time. Life was stable, same, predictable, safe....I had 10 functioning fingers, I was pretty sure of the future, I was dedicated and excited about the potentials and an upcoming workshop. And then, two major events...a little mishap with a log splitter and a "phone call" (actually a stop by the jobsite visit) and perspectives change.

I've thought many, many times since the log splitter about how God probably made that happen on purpose right at that moment. I kinda wish He'd choosen another option for these same lessons, but I suppose He knows what He's doing. I learned to rely on others again. I allowed (out of necessity) my mom to take off work to help with the kids and Keri, I had to be taken to appointments while under the influence of nasty substances, I was given meals repeatedly, I had to turn down the much anticipated workshop... Ray had a stark reminder of household duties, kids, and work and while that was difficult and frustrating, even he admits it was good for him to do for a period of time. Also for the positive, our moms were able to come help at our house in a way I know they both wanted to when the kids were born, but I was stubborn and prideful and could do it myself then. This was their chance to feel useful. In the same way, I was overwhelmed by those from church who were willing to make us meals. It seemed silly to be so worn out by just one injured finger, but they were truly a gigantic help. On the other hand, I had really looked
forward to that workshop for months. It was sad to have to admit I couldn't go because I so wanted to learn the information and add it to my doula business.

Just before I hurt my hand was the jobsite visit. Ray was approached by Schultz Construction with a job offer/part ownership offer. It was a huge compliment. It was a huge decision. Would we take it? Is it right for our family? What does it hold for the future? and on and on. After weeks of talking, thinking, praying, asking for advice and opinions....we decided to accept. Then came part two. Would I like to come work in the office? Essentially we would be replacing another husband/wife team. And that for sure is how we're thinking of it - team. With both kids entering school in the fall, and my commitments to care for Keri finished in May, and my final doula client due in June...the timing seemed obvious (just as it had for Ray's situation and decision). In December I went in and asked all my questions, looked at the software, and was strongly lobbied to come on board. After another month of talking, thinking, praying, asking for advice...I've accepeted the position there and will begin in July. This means no more doula work. It means a huge new challenge and definite changes to our lives. I wouldn't be honest if I said there are no second thoughts (for Ray's decision or mine). "What might have been" will always remain a mystery. But, such is life. Changes come and go and we readjust to the new norm. We must move forward to the "new" with the confidence we made the decisions as thoughtfully as possible. It's sure to be an adventure.

On the doula front, I've had two babies since the last post. Both were great births, though one was not as planned. It is always a privilege to be a witness to new life. Something I never, ever get used to or take for granted. Their stories will need to be the topic for my next post.

Petals or thorns? It's all in how you look at a rose. Beautiful or messy? It's all in how you look at birth. What a blessing and craziness the past four weeks have been. Three beautiful baby girls entered the world and I was fortunate to provide doula support for each one.

The first, the perfect birth all doulas desire: Mom and Dad were a great team, Mom was gracious enough to allow her mother-in-law to experience the birth (not Mom's first choice), kind and patient nurses attended, when Mom was nearly through transition and felt she could not go on I was Provided with the right words and encouragement so today she confidently knows she birthed her own baby, in her own way, and without intervention. A wonderful birth.

The second birth, three days later, was again wonderful. A Dad home on R&R got to meet his baby girl immediately instead of six months from now. Mom was a picture of strength and sacrifice for her daughter, laboring with pitocin, without an epidural (save one hour of labor), and with a broken rib. In the end she progressed from 4 to 10 in one hour. Her perfect baby girl is such a blessing.

Baby girl number three made her entrance into the world in her own bedroom, in a warm tub, surrounded by her daddy, sister, aunt, grandma, and two great-grandmas. Again, what a blessing to see a Mom and Dad work so perfectly as a team. She is absolutely beautiful and quite possibly being snuggled 24 hours a day!

The blessings continued this month as another client, already doing all she can for herself and her baby, found a place for birth that fits her needs and desires. One of my very first clients announced a second pregnancy - yah for repeat clients! And a third mom, who is need of extra support, accepted my help when I reached out to her.

The life of a doula is emotionally fulfilling, yet draining at the same time. What a privilege I have to support women through a vital point in life. What a gift to have a supporting husband and children. I am richly blessed.

Today my first "unofficial" baby is 2 years old. What better way to begin a career as a birth doula than to assist a friend with her first delivery. There were many hours of labor and there were many hours of driving, but they were all worth it to see sweet baby Madelynn and her wonderful parents. We were all inexperienced but God led the way. Thank you, dear friends, for allowing me that invaluable experience. I'm thankful for the opportunity to share in the moments your family grew from 2 to 3. May God bless you as you raise Madelynn in the ways that will please Him.

Have you ever prayed? Seriously prayed because there is no other option out? That's how I felt as I got ready to get in the car and attend my first birth. I had an extreme case of "flight or fight" - Cannon could have used me as experimental data. My training was complete, my bag was packed, my family was out of town, all I need to do was get in the car and drive to the hospital. I, however, was just about frozen with fear. Fear that I didn't know enough. Fear the nurses would hate me. Fear that I'd forget some important item. Fear I didn't know what to say to be comforting. Fear that I'd pass out. Fear of everything, pretty much. Shaking, I prayed out loud to God that I had no idea what I was doing. That I really needed Him to tell me what to do and to take care of me and this birth. It was all I could do to get in the car instead of calling my in-labor-client and tell her I had choosen the wrong path in life as a doula and, sorry, but she was on her own today.

Two years ago, my first client couple was a beautiful team. As I observed them work wonderfully together I really felt they must be a great team not only through birth, but life. Recently I've observed from afar that this is indeed the case. That day, and night, they were the perfect first clients for me. They were patient with my inexperience and a great example of a laboring couple. When the dr. asked to break her water they asked for my opinion. I encouraged her to go with her own desires. As a result, her labor was probably a lot longer, but I was proud of her for sticking to her plan. She labored through the night. Walking. In the tub. On the monitor. Walking. Resting. Monitor. Tub. On and on... The nurses were kind, a big relief. Early in the morning, with little to no progress most of the night, I took a short break to check in with my kids and take a mental break. On the phone I broke down with my husband. I was exhausted. It seemed the labor had stalled. I wanted to be at the special family event that I was missing. More prayer. More submission to God's plan and timing. I went back to the L&D room with a renewed peace and patience.

A short time later my client agreed to have her water broken. With just a short time relaxing in the tub, contractions increased. She felt the need to push and with only three pushes a beautfiul baby girl was born. It was a miracle. It was a blessed first doula experience. I learned to be patient. I learned God's timing is perfect and He will sustain me. Since then I have over and over felt the confidence of His timing - when new clients call, when births actually occur - He's there watching over all involved.

Thank you dear first clients for putting up with this inexperienced doula. I wish we could do it all over again, so you could have a more whole experience. You will always be a blessed memory to me.

August ~ 2006 It's almost time to begin. We've been looking pretty and smiling all day. My daughter has almost reached her limit, but the most important part is still yet to come. The flowergirl and the bride's maid. Before the hour arrives, my son needs a meal. He's 4 months old and has spent the day with Daddy. I wonder how that's gone, but that conversation will be later. For now he's hungry and I'm in a floor length, baby pink, lightly sequined gown. Fortunately it's strapless...easy access, if you know what I mean. Another bride's maid who is a life-long friend and newly pregnant herself is looking on. She's intrigued by the ease of my nursing abilities - this is my second baby so this is old hat to me. As my baby nurses away she comments, "That would make a great picture." I laugh and respond, "Nursing in a ball gown?" Her comment was only a moment. She probably doesn't remember making it. But for me, she was affirming me as a mother and a beautiful person. Perhaps it was the gown and make up and hair ~ we all know how much that can help our self-concept, but more long lasting, was the desirablility and picture of motherhood as a beautiful stage of life. Four years later the compliment is still providing comfort and confidence to me. Thanks, Amy!